If I Should Fall Behind
by Matrix14
Summary: Sam's thoughts on the day she left Jack behind. Set sometime after series 5, Sam is sitting in her house thinking about all that's happened to her. S/J (as always). This made one of my friends cry, so it's quite sad. Please r/r!


I'll Wait For You  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
I close my eyes and let the music wash over me.  
  
--------------  
We said we'd walk together  
Baby, come what may.  
That come the twilight,  
Should we lose our way  
--------------  
  
Remembering is hard. The images come, but so do the tears, clouding my memory.   
  
The pain stabs through my heart like a knife as I hear your words echoing around my head. I'll never forget what  
you said to me before we went.   
  
You said we'd make it through. You said we'd stick together, all four of us, and we'd be fine. You said we were a  
team, and nothing, not even some damn snake, could come between us.... 'Come what may'.  
  
You told us that if we stayed close, kept up, we'd work as a team and we'd be strong. You told me it would be   
alright. But you knew it wouldn't be because before we left you took me aside.   
  
You found it difficult to say what you wanted to, and so did I. That's what the military does to you. It denies you the  
right to have feelings. But you didn't need to say anything, I understood. Just as you understood me. You looked  
at me, your eyes serious for once, and I knew what you were trying to say. And I knew that no matter what   
happened, it wouldn't change anything.  
  
No matter what happened.  
  
--------------  
If as we were walking,  
Our hands should slip free.  
--------------  
  
I can still remember the feel of my hand in yours after I'd cut my palm on a crystal I'd found on one planet or other.  
I can still feel your hand brushing my hair out of my eyes when I was in the middle of a complicated experiment.  
I know how it feels to lie next to you and rest my head on your chest as I listen to your heart beat. But I don't know  
how it feels to be kissed by you. I don't know how it feels to wake up next to you. I don't even know how my heart   
could feel hearing you say 'I love you'.  
  
All because of who we were. All because of the positions we had been given. And I want to scream. It's not fair.   
IT'S NOT FAIR.  
  
I can still feel your hand slip out of mine as your eyes closed for the last time. I can still see your face as you told   
me to go. You told me to leave you there. And I can still feel my tears slip down my cheeks and onto your face.   
And I can still feel the terror of running away from that place with my two best friends, leaving you behind.   
  
We were stuck at the gate. We were trapped there for three days until Makepeace came through to get us. We  
knew you weren't dead, that you were prisoner of the Goa'uld, and I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back. But  
they wouldn't let me. Makepeace said that you were probably dead anyway and that he wouldn't risk the rest of   
his team. I begged him to let me, Daniel and Teal'c go back, but he said no.   
  
--------------  
I'll wait for you.  
And should I fall behind,  
Wait for me.  
--------------  
  
So we left you behind. We left you. I can't help but blame myself. I left you in the first place. But if Makepeace had  
let us go back...  
  
We should have waited for you. I know you would have come back to us if you could. We should have done   
something, but instead, we went back home and left you there to die. General Hammond said there was nothing  
we could do. He wouldn't authorise a rescue mission again, he said it was too dangerous. I know he was right,  
but it doesn't make me feel better or the pain any less.  
  
What hurts me most is when I think of all the times you've saved me. All the times you've risked yourself to save  
me. And the time you waited for me. The time when you refused to leave me.   
  
--------------  
We swore we'd travel together  
Darling, side by side.  
We'd help each other  
Stay in stride.  
Each lover steps on  
So differently.  
--------------  
  
I always thought that we'd be together forever. I knew the risks involved in the gate, but I always thought that we'd  
get through everything like we always do. Like we always did.  
  
We've travelled further than any other people in the history of space travel. We've travelled TOGETHER further   
than any other people. For six years it'd been you, me, Daniel and Teal'c. Just us, staying together. And now   
you were gone and I didn't know what to do. You'd been replaced, but it wasn't the same. General Hammond   
knew it was inevitable that the team would fall apart. First Daniel went to be a lecturer at some English university,   
taking Janet and Cassie with him. Then Teal'c left for the Land Of Light to be with Ry'ac. And it was just me left.   
So I went as well.   
  
I suppose it is true then; Together we stand, divided we fall.   
  
That was the problem. We'd been together for so long, we worked together, playing off each other perfectly. We   
were so used to each other that when the team chain was broken, everything fell apart. Everything crumbled. My  
heart crumbled.  
  
--------------  
So I wait for you.  
And should I fall behind,  
Wait for me.  
--------------  
  
I went and worked with the Tok'ra for a brief period, but I couldn't take being reminded so often. I even tried the   
Pentagon once more, but I couldn't hack it. So I found myself here.  
  
I found myself in a house in the middle of nowhere, where no one could find me, not even Daniel, and where I  
could try and mend my broken heart in peace. So far I've not succeeded.  
  
--------------  
Everyone dreams of  
A love lasting and true,  
But you and I know  
What this world can do.  
--------------  
  
When I was a little girl I used to dream about what kind of wedding I'd have and what kind of man I'd marry. As I  
got older, I began to think that I didn't need love to succeed, and that I could be happy on my own, but I knew I  
was deluding myself. When I reached twenty five, I settled back somewhat grudgingly into a life of lonliness,   
preparing myself for what my life would be like permenantly. And then I met Jonas. I believed I'd met the man I   
would marry, and when he asked me I was happier than I'd ever been before. And then things got bad and I  
realised what a mistake I'd made. I fell apart for a few months, then I picked myself back up and decided to get  
on with my life. I didn't need a man, I had my work.  
  
But then I met you. You changed my life from the moment I first met you. First with your jokes and your sense of   
humour, then with something deeper which we both shared.  
  
The feeling that I felt for you made me feel warm no matter what happened and for the first time I realised I was  
content. I felt loved.  
  
And then you were torn away from me and my world fell apart. But unlike with Jonas, I still haven't picked myself   
up. I'm still scattered in pieces all over the floor.  
  
--------------  
So let's make our steps clear,  
That the other may see.  
--------------  
  
Two years have passed since then.  
  
I went back today for the ceremony that I didn't attend last year. Daniel was there, and Teal'c. Janet too. I didn't   
even speak to them. I don't think they even recognised me. I've grown my hair long, the way you said it would look  
nice. I wear black continually. Not because of any weird mourning thing, just because I like the colour. It reflects   
how I feel. I suits me as well, against my fair hair and pale skin.  
  
I've changed. I don't smile any more, I have nothing to smile about. I left my laughter behind with you that day.  
  
And I stood in front of that giant piece of rock with the names of all the people who had died in the fight against   
the Goa'uld on it and I laid a single rose on the ground in front of it. A black rose. I was the only one to leave a   
flower. There was a crowd gathered of all the relatives who had been told that their husbands, sons, wives,   
daughters, had died in the line of duty, protecting their country. I ignored their stares and kissed the cold marble   
where your name was carved. I didn't cry, I had no more tears left, and I walked away.   
  
I heard Janet call after me. She must have realised who I was. I didn't turn around. I just kept on walking.   
  
When I was a safe distance away, I turned and took one last look at my friends. Daniel hugged a weeping   
Janet while Teal'c stood next to them impassively. I noticed the bulge at Janet's stomach and realised that her   
and Daniel must be expecting a baby. I felt a small glimmer of happiness for them and allowed myself a small   
smile. I'm glad they have put their lives back together.  
  
And now I sit here in my house, cut off from human contact, and try to remember everything I can about you. I  
don't need to remember why you aren't here, as long as I can remember all the times I was with you. I remember  
all the things you said, trying to remember your exact words. And I write my memories down.  
  
I write my story down so that I will always have you with me. When I grow old and I can no longer remember, I'll  
have these words and smile.  
  
And I know one day I'll join you where ever you are.   
  
I take out your picture that I keep in a locket.  
  
--------------  
Wait for me.  
I'll wait for you.  
If I should fall behind...  
  
... Wait for me.  
--------------  
  
"I'm still waiting." I whisper.  
  
And I always will be.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
~~*finis*~~  
______________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Stargate SG-1. The song 'If I Should Fall Behind' was written by Bruce  
Springsteen and is sung by faith Hill. I own the plot.  
  
author's note: I'm going to write the song out in full below so that you can see it all, cos I didn't use it all and I   
think it's really sweet.  
  
Hi to all my friends.  
  
Please review.  
  
If I Should Fall Behind  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
We said we'd walk together  
Baby, come what may  
That come the twilight  
Should we lose our way  
If as we were walking  
Our hands should slip free  
I'll wait for you  
And should I fall behind  
Wait for me.  
  
We swore we'd travel together  
Darling, side by side  
We'd help each other  
Stay in stride  
Each lover steps on  
So differently  
So I wait for you  
And should I fall behind  
Wait for me.  
  
Everyone dreams of  
A love lasting and true  
But you and I know  
What this world can do  
So let's make our steps clear  
That the other may see  
And I'll wait for you  
Should I fall behind  
Wait for me.  
  
There's a beautiful river  
In the valley ahead  
There 'neath the oak's bough  
Soon we went away  
Should we lose each other  
In the shadow of the evening trees  
I'll wait for you  
And should I fall behind  
Wait for me.  
  
Darling, I'll wait for you  
And should I fall behind  
Wait for me  
  
I'll wait for you  
If I should fall behind  
Wait for me.  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  



End file.
